| Good set last night |
[Sep. 19th, 2008|09:44 am] |
Spite Club was kind of a turkey and the first five comics in a row were either fighting for air or people who have yet to find all their funny anyway...people were walking and the front row was bored. Jimmy Roulette got up and beat some funny into them but he had to work them. I Planned to do two setups and get off early; it was already turning into a long night. changed plan after I had to follow Jose Sarduy who did 15 minutes.
I did three solid setups, three good punches. Couldn't have asked for better.
The order I used was:
Military medical exam
Man-doctor
ClearBlueEasy
The last punch on the pregnancy test joke tapered off so I didn't leave the stage to rolling laughter but I damn sure didn't finish weak.
Dana asked me to host on Halloween (for Jimmy, no less; pretty happy about that). No show on Halloween night but on the Thursday before and the Saturday after, Ima be a de Velveeta. |
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| I'm getting irritated |
[Sep. 17th, 2008|02:49 pm] |
I've been trying to write political jokes and every time I start on a good rant that might yield something funny, it starts to turn into a semi-plausible idea........WHICH IS NOT FUNNY.
Case in point:
Who is the largest single consumer of petroleum products in the world: The U.S. Military. And what kind of war are we fighting now? A war to get Iraq's oil back on the open market (don't argue with me about this...).
Here's a wacky idea. Why not declare waste fryer oil a defense-sensitive material and start running all the domestic military vehicles on bio-diesel? We did it with helium in the 1920s. Americans aren't showing any signs of giving up fried food. The original spec for the HUM-V included a 6.2L "all-fuel" motor that could run on anything from diesel to kerosene. Minimal conversion required.
Because the oils used to create bio-diesel are far less effective in their raw form, the best option is to use waste fryer fat....which means we're not taking food off of tables as we do with ethanol-based fuels. In fact, the fat has to have a fairly normal life as part of the food industry for it to be of maximum use as fuel.
Transition the National Guard first. Get them up to the task of collecting the waste fat and refining it into fuel. Then start on the Regular Army; domestic transportation routes first, then stateside units one at a time.
Look, it's not a fully-fleshed-out idea. I'm just dreamin'. |
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| Drink names |
[Sep. 16th, 2008|03:09 pm] |
I have developed at taste for Bulleit bourbon. I have learned however that it is in poor taste to order two shots of Bulleit at the same time by asking for "A Beatles Reunion".
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| 10 pushups, Week1 Day3 |
[Sep. 10th, 2008|12:34 am] |
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Apparently I've been selling myself short. I rested 5 minutes on the last set and got to 24 on the exhaustion set. Which is 3 more than my initial test without having done 40-something pushups first. No more knee pushups. |
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| 100 pushups update |
[Sep. 8th, 2008|11:45 am] |
I broke off while I was in the Valley helping Mom move.
Friday I did Day 1, level 3. last night I did Day 2, level 3. I find that for the last set (the max set) I have to give in and use my knees as a fulcrum....so where I should have done a minimum 7 or 10 pushups respectively to hit the exhaustion point, I did 10 and 18, but it's because I cut the weight in half. |
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| put it down before it's gone. |
[Aug. 29th, 2008|12:54 am] |
1. Old men and homophobia.
There's a point in a straight man's life, it seems to be between 50 and 60, where they go from having a median level of subtextual homophobia to being totally relaxed about it or totally anti-gay. I think that moment happens with the onset of prostate trouble.
We go to a doctor, unable to piss and with a pain pills won't fix. The doctor says, "Nurse Johnson, please take Larry here into exam room B and help him express his gland.
So Larry goes into the exam room with his hind-end hanging out of a gown and he gets on the table. But where you would put your feet on that little step, Larry puts his knees and lays out on the table. He thinks, "Well, this is a little uncomfortable..." and the the table starts to move. LIke the opposite of a Craftmatic bed it shoots up in his middle and it doesn't stop until Larry is hanging there like a flour sack on a fence rail; ass pointed skywards.
Now ladies....hear me out. You have your stirrups. That is your yearly trial and tribulation and I respect that and would not for a second try to demean it. But even in the stirrups, you can lift your head and see what's going on down there. Not so with the man-doctor's table. You ladies have a little poster on the ceiling...it's usually that cat dangling from a tree branch saying, "Hang in there!"
We have a poster, too. It's on the floor. It's a picture of an elephant high-diving into a coffee mug. It says, "Try to relax."
Larry hears the snap of a rubber glove. He hears the rubber-boot-in-a-flooded-septic-tank sound of the glove in a jar of vaseline. He says to Nurse Johnson, "I have to tell you...I"m not completely comfortable with the idea of someone sticking thWOOOOWOWOOOOAAAGHGHGAAGHGHGAaaaaah.....oooooooooooooh" And the apex of that instant of both ultimate vulnerability and intense relief, time stops.
Time stops cold. And a vision appears. It's the Gay Fairy. Or I guess, technically, the Fairy Fairy. That seems a little redundant. Let's just say that Harvey Firestein in Tinkerbell drag appears. And he leans in close to Larry and he says, "It's not as bad as you thought, was it?"
And Larry says, "Is that what you Gays have been up to the whole time?"
"Well, that's not everything...there's also antiquing, and sashaying...ooh and straight women let us play with their titties in public. But yeah, for the most part, them's the cookies."
Larry says, "What about the guys who are all pitching and no catching?"
"Sweetie, and 'exclusive top' is a straight man with a seafood allergy...d'yaknowwhatImsaying?"
And this is where it goes one of two ways. If Larry is a man secure in himself he says, "Wow. I guess I understand why y'all are willing to put up with so much crap...so to speak. If it's all the same, I'll stick with vagina. If I need another one of these, I've got a prescription, now."
If Larry is not a secure man, he will say, "I"M A SENATOR FROM IOWA! I CAN'T BE GAY! I'll prove it! I'll suck a bunch of dicks in an airport bathroom and still get it up for my wife!"
2) Clear Blue Easy.
Have you seen their new ad? They have a pregnancy test with an LCD built in and the tagline is "The most advanced piece of technology........you'll ever pee on."
Well, first, you don't know that about me. Just trying to get fired from Dell I"m pretty sure I peed on stuff with more processing power than your little pregnancy test.
Second, you've gone to the trouble to put a screen on the damn thing. Why not go the extra yard and put in a headphone jack. Turn it into an MP3 Player pregnancy test. If your pregnant it plays Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach" (you can hear it on the Oldies station you damn whippersnappers). If you're not pregnant it plays the Hallelujah Chorus.
Take it a step further and add a drug test. If you're pregnant and high it starts playing every song by Britney Spears.
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| 100 pushups: initial test |
[Aug. 28th, 2008|09:46 am] |
Chuque and Nathan have inspired me.
I can't run (at all) until I finish a course of rehab for my knees.
I can, however, still do a pushup.
21 pushups before giving up in my initial test, actually. So I'm starting at level 3. |
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| I'll fly away. |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|03:11 pm] |
Sung to the tune of "I'll Fly Away."
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| Expressing the Gland |
[Aug. 19th, 2008|01:08 pm] |
Has anyone but me noticed that there's a point when staight men of a certain age go from being mildly homophobic to outright anti-gay?
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| Pregnancy Test |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|09:53 am] |
So, Clear Blue Easy has this new pregnancy test with an LCD display. Their tag line is:
"The most advanced piece of technology..........you'll ever pee on."
You don't know that about me. Never mind that I probably won't ever feel the need to pee on a pregnancy test, I'm pretty sure I've peed on stuff way way more advanced than your little lab-on-a-chip litmus test. Unless you think it's smarter than a quad-processor Dell server...cause I know I've peed on at least one of those.
Getting fired from Dell was harder than I thought it would be. |
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| Chic-Fil-A IV |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|10:47 am] |
My response to their response:
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| Chic-Fil-A III |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|10:32 am] |
From Chic-Fil-A:
Dear Mr. Warren:
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| Olympics |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|10:13 am] |
I'm not watching with the fervor I had as a child. I am keeping tabs, though.
Like, for instance, I think it's fine that the Chinese women snatched the gold away from the Americans in gymnastics. They earned it. Let's face it. It's much much harder to work a balance beam with an umbilical cord hanging off you.
I like the fact that it's in China. You can bitch all you want about human rights and oppression but any way you look at it, there's 10,000 cameras turned on that city and exposure, even if it seems whitewashed, can only help the situation. Also look what it's doing for diversity over here. I haven't seen that many Wangs on TV since I rented The Houston 500.
Is it me, or is it possible that the reason Michael Phelps is swimming so much faster than anyone else *might* be because he's flapping his ears, too? Every time he takes off that swim-cap I can hear a little mouse in my head yell, "It's DUMBO, da Ninth Wonder of the WOILD!"
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| Chic Fil A II |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|11:12 am] |
Here's what I posted to their feedback site.
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| Chick-fil-A |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|10:09 am] |
I did something strange Friday night. I stepped outside myself. You know those time where you think to yourself, "I wish I'd said...."
Well, I did it. It felt soooooo good.
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| Not a retraction, but still probably a flip-flop |
[Jul. 22nd, 2008|12:53 am] |
I've been thinking about this for a while.
Some weeks ago I took Tony Bourdain to task for getting weepy over what happens to a baby cow to turn it from a grazer into a steak.
In all honesty, the nerve struck was mine and nobody else's. Tony goes a long way to not shy away from the nature of the food in which he partakes. He has explicitly shown the slaughter of at least 2 pigs, a goat, and countless crustaceans on his show and that's just on the episodes I've caught. I suspect that it was the overwhelming bulk of violence done to animal after animal after animal, the hallmark of a roundup, that finally made Tony blink. If you're not used to the smells of shit. blood, and burning hair, the combination can really catch you off guard.
So I'm sorry I called you out Tony. I'm sorry that I let a sore nerve from my childhood turn into a rant (that you'll never read or ever have to worry about).
Thank you for your show and for the things that you present. Watching you from week to week has the effect of both sating and then enraging my wanderlust. I miss travel. I must do more. |
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| Vindication |
[Jul. 21st, 2008|11:51 pm] |
Top Gear just reviewed the Honda Element. Well, OK, they reviewed it in the 6th series (like a season, but not exactly) which was 2005, but I just saw it for the first time.
( Read more... )
The Element is cool. OK, James May telling you that your car is cool is like...well James May pretending to be cool, but I'll take what I can get. |
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